DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
