I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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