I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
