My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
we're so committed to being not committed
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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