I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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