I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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