its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
