sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
