I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Also, beer. Big fan.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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