Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
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