does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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