oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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