I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
