You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
