Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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