My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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