I wish I could teleport
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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