I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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