I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
