All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
