My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
