I cannot find my penis.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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