My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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