Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
