Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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