Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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