Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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