So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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