What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
