My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
