Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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