Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
