so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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