When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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