watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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