i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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