I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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