Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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