The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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