Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
