So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
