I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
