so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
