I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
