There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
