it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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