I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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