Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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