Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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