dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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