But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
