I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
